Good boys and good girls

My my my! Look what we have here. Expectations. And reasons. And beliefs. You think we could use them to have our way here. I think we could. 

I know what we need. Control. Order. Not God’s law, or anything divine. But a hollow system, powered by hunger and greed, feeding on everyone, crushing everyone who chooses to question it. Yes. If they think too much, we’ll corner them. Put them on pills. Tell them theyre crazy. And they’re not good enough. And thats what theyll become.

Ever since you were a child. They watched over you. 

You have to go school. Mommy i dont want to. You dont know what you want. Just leave him here. Its okay, he’ll stop crying, they all do. Be a good boy. /Why are you second? Didnt i teach you everything? Mommy i forgot. But i taught you everything! Im sorry. Sorry doesnt mean anything, all my work has gone to waste. No more playing outside. /Who was that you were playing with? Hes my friend. He cant be your friend! Hes from the slum. Those kids arent good company. But hes my friend. You just wont get it. Ive tried so hard. What did i do wrong. You’re not playing outside anymore.

But thats not what i want to do. You dont know whats best for you. We do. Just do as we say and youll thank us later. *Can you let me do what i want and ill thank you right now??*

Its a war against terror! Freedom for the world! Democracy! Power to the people! What terror?? Them arabs with them weapons of mass destruction! You mean like the ones you have? The ones thatve only ever been used by you? Yes, maybe! Well have to go and see. But what if theyre not there? But what if they are?! We cant take the risk. And shutup. And we’ll pay you with oil!

But i dont want to marry him! Youre getting old. Soon your skin will shrivel and youll start to rot. No one will want you anymore. You have to marry him! We raised you and took care of you! We have expectations. But its my life, dont i get to choose? Are you insane? You dont know what you want! We know best. We’re old! We’ve seen the world! But this not what i want for myself! I think i know what it is, someone’s put a spell on you! I knew it. They hate us. They want to see us disgraced! Just do as we say. Its whats best for you! Do you really care about me?! Of course we do. Who else would care but us?! Everything we’re doing we’re doing for you! Why are you so ungreatful?!

Itll make my neck hurt! I dont want to wear a bloody turban! Oh, but you have to wear it! Everyone wears it! How can you not wear it?! Here, take a few pain killers! You’ll do just fine.

Dont look happy. Make sure youre always looking down. Dont look up. You are our izzat. If you smile and look happy, what will people say! Its okay, im not happy, i wont smile and i wont look happy. Youre just impossible. Make sure you sign it quickly. You dont want them to think youre not sure!

Thats who i want to marry! Oh, but you know, you cant. Its just not possible. You know we want whats best for you. And we know you wont be happy. But cant i choose for myself, im old enough to know better! Are you older than we are?! What do you know?! You have become so rude, so poisoned, how can you question us?! Because its my right to choose for myself! Its our right to choose whats best for you. And their family is not like ours. This just cannot happen! But i dont want to marry the family! We both want this, well make it work, its my life, i want to be able to choose for myself, this is about me! You must be out of your mind. What made you think you were old enough to choose for yourself?! Will you trouble us at this old age?! Do you not care about anyone but yourself?! What will people say! Its a marriage between two families! Its not about you at all! *I didnt know you were planning an orgy?!*

Its not one person or two, its a system, everyone’s a puppet. it kills free will, and itll kill yours too, if you allow it to. As the joker would put it, ‘Introduce a little anarchy.’ Spread the misery. Do whatever you can. Break the chain. Anyway you can.  

This post doesnt make sense anymore. I dont make sense anymore. I cant believe i just wrote that. All that truthful, spiteful venom coming from me?! I think i can sleep now.

Im so screwed this ramadan!

Ventilator

Theres so much to be greatful for. Everything in life is understandable.

I dont feel or want to feel greatful. Dont want to understand.

I want to be angry, so angry that it makes my mind stop working, so angry that there’s no place left in my heart for anything else. I feel disconnected. I want to feel some kinda rush. Anything. Exhilaration. To show me im alive.

There’s still so much to be greatful for. And everything is still so understandable.

Typing in the dark…

Its a wretched world. And it stirs up the devil in me. They said the devil’s locked up. So this is just me.

Ive been trying to be good, to become like the people with real hidayah. Not working. The best i will ever be is average muslim.

Ive been trying to turn around. to look away. forget. not working.

I feel wretched and miserable and angry. Ive been trying to hold it in. Not working.

Nothing’s working. Muslim women and children are being murdered in Palestine. People are starving to death in Africa. The people of Swat have gone back to find their homes have turned to rubble. And all i can think of. is myself.

I want to pull my hair. I have none.

The world is a wretched place. Nothing works. Wake up. Dont hope. Stop. Shush. Youre still not getting it. Stop. Please. Stop. Just stop.

Kkkhunger!!

Why does the smell of juicy fat beef patties make its way from the kitchen to my room, permeate into me, make my senses tingle, and my stomach grumble?! Why, oh why?!

Grievances to the internals

Oh dearest stomach, 

Why doeth i ache when thou art full

Why doeth i grumble when thou are empty?

Oh dearest brain,

Why doeth thou not ring a bell why thy brethren thee stomach is alarmingly full?

Salut!

I salute the practicing muslims in today’s world! Its far too easy to go astray with all the fitnas, the bias and the tempting stimuli around us, plus shaitaan puts maximum efforts into ruining the people who’re working to get on and stay on the right path.

We always look down upon practicing muslims and pinpoint the smallest of their flaws, but its only when you imagine yourself in their shoes that you realize how hard it must be for them to remain on the path, and how much of their own nafs and shaitaan’s influence theyre constantly battling.

May Allah (SWT) give us all hidaaya, the strength to follow it, and may He protect us when we are weak. May this month be the month we take real steps towards becoming better muslims.

Shaitaan khateer!

Its almost ramadan, and im posting music! tch tch! cant help it though, stuck in my head again.

.,.

If i put my ear against the Earth, will it whisper me a secret?

Words

I run short of them sometimes myself, so i borrow.

“to reach  heaven, we must sail sometimes with the wind and sometimes against it – but we must sail, and not drift, nor lie at anchor” – oliver wendell holmes